The Cost of Being Perceived Positively

People think that the halo effect does not apply to them. I dont think thats true. To one extent or another, I think everyone experiences it, whether they’re aware of it or not. The halo effect is a cognitive bias in which our overall impression of a person influences how we perceive their other, often unrelated, qualities. Someone who is noticeably attractive may be assumed to be kinder. Someone who is successful may be assumed to be more intelligent. Someone who is charismatic may be perceived as more trustworthy.

What’s most interesting, however, isn’t the bias itself. It’s the consequences of those assumptions.

This is not about being arrogant. It’s an aspect of human psychology that I think many people underestimate. When someone perceives you to have a particularly desirable quality, I’ve noticed two common reactions. One is to be drawn to you because they are inspired and they genuinely enjoy your company. The other is to feel threatened. The very quality they admire also triggers comparison and insecurity, yet they often still want to be around you. From the outside, those two reactions can look almost identical. If you dont observe carefully, you may never notice the difference between the two, because you will have their company, and both of them will be smiling at you.

The feeling of being threatened, and the actions that follow, are often just projections of their own insecurities onto you. In some ways, it’s easier when they keep their distance, observe you from afar, look for flaws, and talk behind your back. But if that isn’t the case, they’ll initially try to be around you a lot. They’ll want to know everything about you. They’ll genuinely enjoy your company and they might even put you up on a pedestal. Eventually, you’ll either reciprocate with vulnerability or have a higher wall they need to climb before you let them in. Either reaction is taken badly by them.

When even after some time you still have your guard up, they think you have something to hide. They think you think you are better than them. This is where the halo effect comes back into play. When you have this quality, whether it be your looks, your bubbly personality, your intelligence, or something else entirely, people think your life is easy. They think it’s perfect. They will not be sympathetic towards you because of this bias. And so, if you still have your guard up, it’s not because you need more time to get to know someone and get comfortable with them. It’s because you are malicious. It’s because you have a superiority complex.

Once they’ve decided that’s who you are, every action, or lack of one becomes proof that they were right. So what happens next? They start to doubt you, talk about it to other people, and finally begin to exclude you from their circle and even from themselves.

This happens because feeling rejected creates a need to regain some sense of power. Knowledge is power. Not opening up to some people is a choice you have, so deciding who gets access to your personal life is a form of control. This is normal. But to someone who already feels threatened by you, that choice feels like rejection. And rejection makes them want some form of power over you. Making sure you feel excluded becomes that power trip. Thus, having that power trip, they feel as though they must be better than you. But of course, miserable people stay miserable and that feeling never lasts very long.

If you have decided to be vulnerable, it receives a good reaction initially. You may even become very close friends with them. But then the inevitable happens. The high and mighty image they have of you begins to crack. They start watching you more closely. Listening to you more closely. They become very agreeable to your opinions. And EUREKA! They’ve found it. Your flaws. Your insecurities. Your doubts. Every other piece of proof that you are, in fact, undoubtedly human.

They’ll start by making passive-aggressive jokes or sly comments about your looks, your personality, your career or academics, your skills, your taste or whatever it is they feel threatened by. They might exploit your vulnerability and use your personal information as ice-breakers with other people. They might even become possessive over you. They put you under a magnifying glass and begin picking you apart, one flaw at a time. Most of it happens quietly in their own mind. Most of it, you don’t even notice.

And if, for a long time, they haven’t found that massive breakthrough flaw, they continue putting you on a pedestal, which is so much worse. They’ll look up to you. They’ll expect you to make the right choices at all times. To have the right answers at all times. And this might not seem all that bad. But remember, you are not God nor God-like. You are human. You are also just trying to figure life out. Being around one or more people who are constantly looking to you to do the right thing is unhealthy. Once again, this brings us back to the halo effect. You have this amazing quality, therefore your life must be easy. It must be perfect. You need to be very forgiving. You don’t get to be sad. You don’t get to be afraid. And you definitely don’t get to talk about it for too long.

As it does for everyone, a rough phase eventually hits. You’re confused. You’re unsure of yourself. Like most people, you make mistakes because, temporarily, you have an off sense of judgement. And there goes the made-up image they had of you. Guess what happens next. They finally have proof that they’re better than you, because all this while your bond with them was built on comparison. The comparison they’ve been making all along finally has a winner.

They’ll tell themselves, “THIS! This is something I’d never do, no matter how difficult life gets.” They feel better about themselves. And slowly, they leave. Maybe they won’t leave you completely. You’ll still see them almost every day. Maybe you’ll still call each other friends. But trust me, they’ve left. Suddenly they aren’t as close as they once were. They don’t willingly come to you to talk or simply to be with you. Perhaps, when you needed them the most during that somewhat long, rocky phase of your life, they were nowhere to be found. You don’t get the empathy you need. You don’t feel understood nor held. You only feel judged.

The key word of this article is “inevitable.” These experiences are inevitable. But being aware always helps.

Don’t get close to people who make you feel small or, worse, larger than life. Let people like that remain fans from afar. Whether through logic or intuition, you’ll usually know when someone’s connection to you is rooted in comparison rather than genuine acceptance. Don’t ignore it.

Be vulnerable with those who truly see you and respect you. Those who leave room for you to be human. For your flaws. Your fears. Your mistakes. Your uncertainty. Because those are the people who aren’t trying to win against you, they’re simply trying to know you.

Always remember, it is better to be the only one in your inner circle than to fill it with people whose connection to you is rooted in comparison. Comparison is rarely about you. More often than not, it’s born out of insecurities that have nothing to do with you. Don’t entertain relationships rooted in insecurity.