Living life on aeroplane mode

I’ve done a lot to not just be logical but also intuitive. To know better. To be better. It’s a fact, we know a lot more than we give ourselves credit for. But we don’t slow down nor stop to listen. We seek answers outside of ourselves, we deem what we see to be true. Like it’s night when you can see the moon out and it’s day when you can see the sun. One glows and one reflects. You see it, you believe it. And we are surely conditioned that way. We are lovable if we have a lot of friends. We are smart if we have the grades or the degrees. We are worthy if we earn a lot. We are worthy if we are liked by many. It’s all evidently clear and undeniable.

Does it really work that way though? Do you always feel loved when you’re surrounded by familiar faces? Do you feel content with just one achievement or goal? You might have proof, but does it make you feel good enough? Does it make you feel like you know enough? I don’t think it does. Yet somehow we still end up looking for our identity outside of ourselves.

It might seem pragmatic to always search for proof and evidence. Something that lets you see the light in you. Something that is comprehensible and visible to you and to others. But even solid evidence often falls short of the comfort and safety we constantly crave. Visible comprehensible reality is a reflection of each person’s limited perception. Even if we do good, we don’t feel good. and usually nothing is ever enough to feel enough. Unless of course you know who you are without your “appeal”.

I’ve noticed this and I know this. But it’s so hard to be conscious of it.

Where do you find the answers then? You know them. You’ve always known the right thing to do, to think, to say and to be. Even when you’re distraught, only the people who really understand you can comfort you because their words echo your own beliefs. It’s the hardest thing to do— to look inward, to ask ourselved the hard questions , and to get to really know ourselves. Even when you do embark on this arduous adventure once or a few times sucessfully, that is, coming out of the experience with immense clarity and shedding the heavy weight, it will always continue to be hard.

I see this in myself. A minor change in my life and a grey cloud follows me everywhere. A minor inconvenience and I lose interest in my interests. In the end I always come back to myself but till then, I live life on aeroplane mode. I’ve put in the effort to be subconsciously intuitive and this wasn’t a shocking path to get onto since I’ve always been sensitive and emotional. I think this is why I’m always so hyperaware of what I’m doing. I’m fully on the “Carpe diem” team but I just can’t get myself to seize the day. I’ve caught myself blocking my thoughts and feelings. I’ve caught myself looking for validation elsewhere. I’ve caught myself doing things because I had to. I’ve noticed myself become somewhat numb. Forgetting the bad parts and barely remembering the good ones. I’ve become allergic to myself. Like if I indulge in expressing, understanding and listening to myself I will have a deathly reaction and so I’m avoiding it. Maybe my body and mind are protecting me from myself. It’s doing the best it can when it has to survive. But most of what we go through isn’t really a life or death situation. And I don’t want to spend most days surviving. I know this, but will I follow the compass I’ve worked so hard for?

Right now, I talk to feel alive, but what’s the point if I dont even listen to myself. The “divine intervention” in my head keeps sending me a vague message— to look inwards and not outwards. And like a bratty child I’m rebelling against myself.