I can’t wait to die

I think I know why you look down on aging. It leads to death, and you aren’t really okay with that.

But thinking about it, I wonder why aging is looked at so negatively. Society seems to resent this natural process, and somehow it’s taught us to resent it too. Entire industries profit from our insecurity about something as basic and inevitable as growing older, generating over 90 billion dollars a year. Most people seem to dread the fact that, as time passes, they’re getting older. Then there’s me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by the idea of growing older.

I can’t wait to die, as in, I can’t wait to live.

Being older, to me, signifies fun, wisdom, freedom, opportunities, and endless stories. Sure, there is fun and that sense of immortality in youth. And on the same train of thought, there may be experiences and decisions to regret when you’re older. But of course, that doesn’t have to be true.

Immortality is a feeling of the moment. I think movement and adrenaline can spark that feeling in you, regardless of your age. Your body may slow down and grow older, but your spirit doesn’t have to. It’s that very expectation of becoming old and slow that ages your soul and makes it decay. It doesn’t have to be that way. And on the topic of regret, why do so many people fear it? What a huge weight it must be, always feeling like you have to do the right thing. You should know that you have the option of forgiving yourself and moving on. You made a bad choice? Okay, today’s a new day. You hurt someone? Make it up to them or, if that’s not possible, keep your distance, learn from it, and don’t repeat it. Guilt can get ugly, so don’t live with it. You are not set in stone—physically, mentally, or spiritually. Nothing is forever. Take advantage of that.

The idea of death is scary because, in all honesty, we don’t really know much about it. But I think there’s another fear hidden beneath our fear of aging.

Maybe people are afraid of truly knowing themselves as they grow older. Maybe death is a brutal reminder of who we are, what we’ve done, and how we’ve lived.

In East of Eden, the narrator says, “Some children want to be babies and some want to be adults. Few are content with their age.” I think that truth applies to adults as well. Venturing through adulthood, what I’ve noticed is that most people want to go back to childhood or, if not that, at least go back a few years. Maybe the past is so romanticized because our memory is foggy, and we convince ourselves we’d do things differently if we had another chance.

Whenever I’ve thought about death, I’ve thought of one thing: being ready. I want to be able to accept it. There are only two constants in the world: change and death. (Or was it taxes and death?) We cannot avoid that fate. Death can come with age, or it can come at random. So I’ve always wanted to be ready. And to me, that means knowing that, until the very end, I tried my best and lived with no regrets.

It may seem simple, but that thought process changed my life. Maybe that’s why I am the way I am. I don’t seek revenge. I don’t wish ill on anyone. I work on making sure I’m not insecure. I keep my distance from people who drain me. I let myself feel and process every emotion completely. And I always indulge in hobbies and activities that make me feel alive (like writing).

Maybe the idea of death helped me truly live. I’m not saying I’m not afraid of death. But if I die, I’ll know I gave life my all.

Coming back to aging, I wonder why our view of it isn’t one of gratitude. Gratitude for the privilege of growing older. Not everyone gets to. As someone who’s recently turned 20, I’ve watched people around me grieve no longer being a teenager, which I completely understand. But personally, I really look forward to my twenties, and I’m sure I’ll feel the same way about my thirties, forties, fifties, and so on. As every year passes, I feel a bit more confident, a bit more sure of myself, as though the path ahead becomes a little less mysterious. Of course, I still have no idea what the future holds for me. But I think I’m one step closer to figuring myself out than I was last year, and that’s something.

I know that as I age, I’m really going to get to know myself, and I can’t wait to meet her. I know the parts of me that make up my essence are only going to grow with time. I’ll probably lose some things along the way, but I think I’ll always gain even more. If you choose to look at time that way, I think you’ll begin to enjoy the idea of growing older every year, as you should. What a privilege it is to look older. To be experienced. To have another chance.