Fear of Abandonment and its Manifestation

I remember this one peculiar dream I had when I was four. I was being chased by an enormous gorilla through an unfamiliar house. My mom was there, along with her friend, but no one seemed to mind. I screamed for help as I ran around the house, yet no one cared. No one came.

The dream was bizarre. I sometimes wonder why I still remember it, but I think it has become a part of my personality.

I think I’ve always been in denial about this one fear, the fear of abandonment. It still doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve indulged in hyper-independence for as long as I can remember. I was always enthusiastic about sleeping alone, travelling alone, and living away from my parents with my nani and nanu at the ripe age of eleven.

I kept shifting from one place to another every two years. I never made lifelong childhood best friends, and I never got attached to anyone because I knew I’d probably never see them again. So you can’t really blame me for never including abandonment on my list of fears.

I’ve always told my partners that if they ever lose interest out of nowhere, they can tell me, and they can leave. And I mean it. I know little to nothing about love, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that you can never force it out of someone. You can’t force them to stay. You can’t force them to change or put in extra effort if they haven’t already chosen to. I respect that. Of course, it would hurt to watch them leave, but at least they’d be honest. At least I’d know the truth. The last time I told someone this, they asked me if I had a fear of abandonment, and I quickly denied it. I should have known better.

Months later that person leaves. It took 1 phone call and me getting blocked for everything to end. The reason(or excuse) being work and distance.

I learned so much about myself ever since. All of my problems were highlighted in blinding neon ink. I realised I had gotten attached. I realised I had been abandoned. I realised I couldn’t really trust anyone. I realised how sad I was, and how much sadder I had been in the relationship. I realised how confused I truly was about everything in my life. I realised I had been lied to.

I knew I was getting attached in the process of knowing and being with this person, maybe more than I should have. Slowly, I realised how much power they held over me. It did scare me, but I didn’t mind, because I trusted them.

The first few moments of me realising the power dynamic, where I was much more involved and vulnerable than the other party, made me think about what the worst-case scenario could be, just to see if I could handle it. Every time I did, I felt like I couldn’t. I slowly began to realise subconsiously that maybe I do fear being left alone. But consciously I was still in denial. Me? Fearing being alone? I’m the same person who would rather be alone than tolerate non sense. The same person who loves being independent. The same kid who loved travelling alone. The same kid who was so brave. So I continued being in denial. Maybe this way I would have suffered for a really long time, feeling pathetic and weak but not knowing why.

And I think when your subconscious believes in something(even if you don’t agree with it), it manifests it.

So they left. Suddenly I’m extremely aware of it, of everything I was denying. But thats the thing, once you know what the root of your suffering is, half of it is already over. The first step to change is awareness. How could I have tried to get over this fear if I didn’t even acknowledge it. Now I know. Maybe it started with the gorrilla chasing me and no one coming in to help. But now I finally know. I just have to figure out a way to work on it now. I’ve realised the irony of hyper-independence and the fear of abandonment going hand in hand.