Do I truly believe when I only pray in need?

As a kid, I’ve noticed myself truly praying only when I was in pain or needed some sort of help. Before exams, before getting injected, before anything that wasn’t as pleasant and sure, I’d close my eyes and pray from my heart for any sort of help or strength. As I grew older, I felt guilty about it. Do I truly believe when I only pray in need? I thought not and stopped believing. I did not want to be selfish.

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, the deeper the grief, the closer is God!” -Fyodor Dostoevsky

Coming across this quote, the past hit me. This one line that is related to how I used to think about believing, has been framed in such an appealing way. Those moments of remembering and truly praying when I needed the most help or strength were not selfish but veracious.

Most toddlers cry out to either of their parents when they’re hurt or frightened. That does not make them selfish. That does not mean they don’t love their parents. It’s the opposite. They love and trust their parents. I now think that it’s the same with God.

The deeper the grief, the closer is God. Without any darkness, there is no light. That is the beauty of the dynamic we’ve been born into. It is not selfish but essential to believe in something enough to completely be vulnerable and honest with. It’s not easy to admit or ask for help. We often lie to ourselves about our current situation and emotions to cope. Be honest and be vulnerable. Open up to yourself and ask for help from whatever or whoever you believe in. Get in touch with what you believe to be true. Be at peace.